Your nose and eyes match the color of Santa's hat.

You decide to invent a new drink at a holiday party and name it after yourself by mixing all the rum, vodka, whiskey, scotch and gin with ice cream and putting in an actual umbrella. You cannot understand why no one sees the brilliance of your humor.

In order to get into the holiday spirit you sing every Christmas carol you know - into the microphone at Burger King at 2 a.m. and get booed.

You go shopping for a Christmas tree and hug each tree saying "I loooove you, man."

You make YouTube's all time hit list by sending in a video of yourself dressed in a Santa suit, drunk, shirtless and trying to eat a burger off the floor.

In a moment of alcohol-induced guilt you try to make up for not being a better mother by breastfeeding your 12- year- old.

At the mall you sit on Santa's lap and soil his nice, new, red suit and the little kiddies chase you out of the department store.

During grace at Grandpa's house you accidentally let one rip and try to blame the dog, grandpa's dog that died two months ago.

You decide to go sleep it off on the couch. In the morning you awake on someone else's couch - on the wrong side of town.

At the boss's home Christmas party you decide to give the boss's elderly mother a lap dance.

At the boss's home Christmas party you think it would be funny to photocopy your naked butt and clip it to the front of the fridge.

You decide to phone Alec Baldwin's daughter to tell her she's a rude, thoughtless, little pig but you end up pressing the speed-dial button to your daughter who's home with the flu.

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